Making friends

Started off being invited to a friend's youth night, me thinking about, and deciding not to go on the basis that I didn't really know people there all that well (except a select few) and that I always feel out of the "circle" (not that it really concerns me) each time I randomly go ... probably cuz I'm not much of a conversationalist and just usually talk to those who I know or approach me otherwise, I always just stand around and observe ... and laugh, lol. Either way, in response to my decision/statement, I get a "Well, have you ever tried talking/getting to know the others better?"

That question/statement made me think about the whole concept of "making friends" quite a bit. And honestly, after all that, I think I kind of concluded that no, I don't really make friends o_o; and in relation to that statement, no, I haven't really tried talking more to/getting to know the others better. I've found (I think) that most of my friends that I have right now are the ones that started "the" conversation with me and then I started talking and then friendships develop from there and whatnot. What's more is that I don't think I've ever done (or majorly attempted) that myself. Except for one person, which I (unkindly) ditched shortly after saying hi during first day at school (LOL, soz if you ever read this =P) and then somehow something happened (probably she started talking to me) and then we became friends (and yes, this is the sole case I remember cuz it left a very big impression in the fact that I felt super bad for ditching her). Other than that, mentally going through my list of few friends =P I've found that most are the ones that've talked to me at the beginning and not me talking to them ...

... which is kinda sad >_>; ...

This also makes me think of the whole "catching up" with friends-I-have-not-seen-in-however-long and generally talking with friends I regularly see. Earlier in the week, I met up with a friend whom I hadn't seen for a quite a couple of months ... since March actually. Kinda awkward at first (no offense) but then after initial "Hi's" and "Haven't seen you in so long!" conversation lapsed to the usual "How's uni/life/family/general interests or hobbies going" conversation. Obviously, talk like that can only last so long. Insert periodic awkwardness. Eventually, time lapsed by and we both had to head back to uni/classes. And so that was the end of our chummy time...

It really annoys me that I can't get stereotypical conversations out of my system. Each time I do it, I mentally kick myself but you know, I think "at least it's conversation, better than silence or something." Sometimes I feel like I need a "friend manual" or "how to make conversation manual" ... ok, that sounds fully dodge. Point is, I don't seem to be able or have the skill to make "decent" conversation ... sigh.

So this point makes me think about the friends I regularly encounter/talk to. Even them, conversation doesn't change much except for a few varying factors. Some I have more things to talk to/about, some less so/normal/boring talk. Also, the more that I think about it, it's usually them asking some questions and me answering, throwing back a few questions periodically. Or there's the "telling stories" times (ie. funny/weird/random stuff that's happened in the day/lately) and whatnot ... then again, I guess that's general/usual conversation with friends.

... ok, I don't know what exact point I'm trying to make anymore. Probably just simply, I fail at making friends? lol ...

... makes me understand how people get their first impressions of me. Most popular ones being: mean, cold, unfriendly, too serious, blank, up-myself outlook.

Should change that ...